Fic: Silence and Esoterica

Title: Silence and Esoterica
Author: Cedar (email: cedar @ thedarkarts . org)
Prompt: "honor"
Rating: PG
Pairing: None
Disclaimer: All characters and places belong to J.K. Rowling.

Summary:
Tonight
I look back
because should
I look forward
I know not whether I will be able
to see.

Author’s Notes: Many thanks and much love to Team Cedar: cjmarlowe, fasterthanlight, kennahijja, and lauriegilbert. Editing to add: The very talented blonde_cecile has recorded an audio version of this fic, which you can download here. It's in MP3 format, so you can download it to the player of your choice and even put it on your iPod/Creative Zen/Samsung/favorite piece of MP3-playing technology.



~~~~~~


Silence and Esoterica


Just Before My First Year

I knew
from the beginning
that popularity and security
and a predictable future
were
for anyone but me.

While the other
first-years
chatted and fiddled with
their robes
nervously looking
in the direction of
the Sorting Hat
I stood quietly
waiting
observing
choosing my friends.

When I had packed
I left space
at the top of my trunk thinking
that my parents
might send me
books
or
an extra cloak
or
maybe some sweets at Christmas.

That
was when I still had hope.


When I Came to Hogwarts

I hid
behind my abilities
behind my books
in front of my father's anger.
I resisted
sneaking out nights
stealing food
skiving off classes
provoking authority.
I knew
what could happen to
someone
who did that.


Some of the Curses I Knew

the Tickling Charm
the Jelly-Legs Jinx
the Nosebleed Curse
the Bat-Bogey Hex
(childish
and useless
but occasionally fun)
the Perpetual Dance
the Toothsome Hex
the Petrification Charm


James Potter

Moved
like a deer
Flew
through his classes
Spoke
like poison
Fooled
almost everyone


Potions

liquid mixtures
balanced ingredients
cauldron cohesion
shimmering blue
bubbling life
blended perfection


Sirius Black

Appropriately
became a dog Animagus
because even though
he was so loved
and everyone wanted
to pet him
and give him toys
I knew he was just
a bitch.


In the Common Room

"We have a little study group, Severus."
Narcissa Black
her hand on my arm
Rodolphus Lestrange
grinding a cigarette into
the gray stone floor
smoke clinging
to my hair
my robes
Evan Rosier
leaning on the shoulder
of some seventh-year I didn't know.
"You should be honored.
We're only asking you and Evan.
We get top grades in
Potions
Charms
Transfiguration
pretty much everything.
And
we study the Dark Arts.
Tell anyone
and we'll show you
exactly
which Dark Arts we study."


On My Honor

I swore never
to reveal their secrets
not knowing
how important this ability
to swear
would become in future years.


Albus Dumbledore

Squinted to read the newspaper
but could see
almost everything.

No one caused trouble
or achieved
without
him knowing.

He knew about
my father
my mother
my affinity for potions
Potter, Black, Lupin, and Pettigrew
and probably even
the way I felt
about
Narcissa.

He
never judged
knew who my friends were
always listened
let me stay during the holidays
gave me advice
(some of which
I wasn't sure I wanted).

I was unnerved
by how much
I felt I could trust him

a feeling
I kept secret
from those
who trusted me.


Things That Were Easy in 1975

Mixing Veritaserum
(the trick was in the stirring)
Slipping Evan Rosier my Potions notes
(it would have been harder not to)
Casting the Bleeding Curse
(James Potter was an excellent test subject)
Listening to my friends
(though I offered few of my own confidences)
Achieving outstanding marks in my classes
(people were difficult to figure out but transfiguration was just a wave of the wand)
Noticing Potter, Black, Lupin, and Pettigrew trying to sneak around
(they made a hell of a lot of noise)
Worrying about my mother
(her letters were so infrequent)
Doubting my future
(there were rumors of war)
Lying to everyone
(including myself)


Remus Lupin

It was sort of a shame
he was so easy to like
on account of the fact
that he knew
how to think of others
and it was sort of a shame
he was so easy to hate
on account of the fact
that he didn't know
how to pick his friends.


Peter Pettigrew

The mouse of that group
turned out to be a rat.


During a Full Moon

If Potter and Black
and Lupin and Pettigrew
thought they were hiding
their midnight marauding
from everyone else
they were
dead
wrong.
More rumors spread about them
than anyone else.
The one about Potter's tattoo
was my favorite.
What I kept to myself
and what my friends refused to realize
is that in some way
there is truth
to most rumors.

I told Evan that night
I was out doing my Astronomy homework.
I did enjoy
the view of the clear night sky
but someday Evan was going to figure out
that I no longer
studied Astronomy
and just wanted to be alone.
Then I would have to think fast.
There was Madam Pomfrey
on her way
to -
Where was she going?
And was that Lupin with her?
As I watched I wondered,
"Is she going under the Whomping Willow?"
"Oh, it's really easy to get under there,"
said an amused voice behind me.


Wisdom Doesn't Come From Books

When a person
has
"accidentally"
spilled ink on your homework
stolen your laundry and laid your underwear
on the Gryffindor table
wrecked three of your potions
in a week
set fire to your Charms textbook
spread rumors about you
and
is named Sirius Black
you should not expect him
to
tell you the truth
about
the tunnel under
the Whomping Willow,

but
I did.


In the Tunnel

A scream
half human
half animal
The human half sounded
vaguely familiar
but from where
I wasn't sure.

A tree root
the smell of haunted earth
and rotted leaves
I stumbled
fell
gravel in my palms
dirt on my robes
scratches on my knees.

A need to know
who was at the other end of the scream
what I would find
when I got there
where the tunnel led
why Black had revealed his knowledge
how I could get him in trouble.

A smash
wood and glass
wind
another scream
closer
near what must be
the end

A wolf
enormous
teeth glinting
shriek

scattering

the light
in front of me.


The Unpayable Debt

For what seemed
like an hour
but was closer
to three seconds
I stood
transfixed
horrified
my legs heavy
like I was dreaming
only
the monster
was real.

I heard a shout.
"Get away from there!"

Potter grabbed my collar
dragged me away
both of our
hearts pounding
brows sweating
legs searching
for the center of gravity.

The tunnel darkened again.
The animal grew quieter.
I looked back

full silver light
primal screams
mottled gray fur

their sneaking out
and looking sleepy
at the spring tides

Lupin always looking
like he was sick
or might be sick

and I knew

and I realized
what Potter had saved me from.


A Foolish Question

I saw where
my shoes
dragged
on the ground.

I heard the screams
from what I now knew
was Lupin.

I tasted blood
where I bit
my tongue
metallic
acrid.

I smelled
impending rain
the bitter decay of
the tunnel.

Potter touched my shoulder.

"Are you
okay?"

I was
alive
mostly unharmed
and now
in a life debt
to
James
Potter
no thanks to
Sirius Black.

"No.

I am not
okay."


Blackmail

We were near the entrance
back under
the Whomping Willow.

I smiled

and I said,

"I can't wait for everyone else to find out
Lupin's a werewolf."

In
the look
on Potter's face
I learned the meaning
of the word
priceless.


You Can't Tell

"What's he
ever done to you?"

When Potter said that
I wanted to do something
to his perfect smile
messy hair
robes that fit
hands that never
never
missed the Snitch
that would get me
kicked out of school.

But I stopped
and thought
that maybe
their little group was
like
a fragile tree
breakable
limb by limb
one by one
and I
could be the storm
that brought it down.


Omniscience

There was a race
to see
who could get to
the entrance of the tunnel
first.

The winner
got to decide
Lupin's fate.

The loser
if he was lucky
got to decide
how he wanted
to serve his two years' worth of
detentions.

Potter shoved me
to the ground
as he climbed
up
out
and landed
face-first
at Dumbledore's feet.

"Professor!"

"Mr. Potter,
return to your dormitory
immediately.
Mr. Snape,
you're coming with me."


My Promises to Dumbledore

I would never
reveal Lupin's secret
tell anyone what happened in the tunnel
dispel the myth
of the Shrieking Shack
or
insinuate that anything
more dangerous than
a grindylow
could be found on Hogwarts's grounds
(outside the Forbidden Forest, of course).

I would
treat Lupin with
all the respect he could earn
do my best
to stay out of Potter's way
as if that wasn't an effort
I put in
around the clock
and do the things
however strange
or dangerous
they might seem,
that Dumbledore asked of me
though I was pretty sure
I would come
to regret
that one.


Dumbledore's Promises to Me

Knowing dark times were ahead
he would protect me

if

I proved
trustworthy
skilled
loyal
fearless

he would always
guard me
have faith in me
advise me

but

he would never let me forget
what I owed to
James Potter

and

if I did forget
he would not be able
to vouch for me
at any time

or

say with certainty
that he could keep
one of my deepest secrets.

Knowing that my lineage
could keep me in a
life of ostracism

and

possibly make me a target
rather than an ally
of those
who would lend their skills
to the one they only called
the Dark Lord

if

the Half-Blood Prince
was found to be
more half-blood
than prince

Dumbledore swore
that he would
guard me
have faith in me
advise me

or

at the very least
hide me

but

only

if

I worked
among other duties
to keep Potter safe.

I almost spoke
almost reminded Dumbledore
that if anything
it was Sirius Black
who owed me
the debt
considering he was
the one who
almost killed me

but

I thought better of it
for once.


Ordinary Wizarding Level: Defense Against the Dark Arts

I knew
what a goddamned werewolf
looked like
thank you very much.


The Death Eaters

"Do you like the name, Severus?"

I thought it was ridiculous
when it was proposed by
Bellatrix.

Who wanted to eat death?

Yet
when Narcissa asked me
I couldn't imagine
anything better.


Lucius Malfoy

Either he knew exactly
what it was
that he had
that I wanted

or
he hadn't got the brains
to match his looks
or his money
or his popularity
or his purebred surname.

But whether he knew
or not
didn't change
the luster
in Narcissa's eyes
when she spoke of him.

Damn.


I Do Solemnly Swear

Fidelity to Lord Voldemort
Secrecy to the other members
Loyalty to the cause of wizarding blood purity
(biting the inside of my cheek
all the while)
That my betrayal
will be punishable
by death.

It almost reminded me
of the way
I felt about my father.

I had to love the others
but I didn't have to like them.

The brand on my arm
is permanent
but will only show
when I am called to task.

I understand and honor this
and sign my name
this seventeenth day of February
Nineteen hundred
and seventy-seven


This Eighteenth Day of February, Nineteen Hundred and Seventy-Seven

"Oh, I have
no doubt
that he would kill you,"
said Dumbledore
folding his hands on his desk.
"But I also have no doubt
that you will do
what you know to be right.
Including honoring
your debt to
James Potter."

I watch
the little toy
on his desk
the set of five silver balls
suspended from wire
clack
clack
right to left
passing their energy
swinging out
left to right
clack
clack.

It always came back to
Potter.

Fuck Potter.

But I didn't
say it.

I did say,
"I'm not just in this
for Potter."

Which I think Dumbledore knew
anyway.

He knew
I owed him
much more
than James Potter's life.

That was a debt with
interest.


Corpus Callosum

The human brain is
split
right hemisphere
left hemisphere
and those were my loyalties and
my beliefs
right and left
both equal in need
diverse in their functions
entirely dependent
on the other for
survival.

Voldemort
could kill me
for the secrets
I divulged.

People I had come
to care about
could die
because of me.

I could end up
in Azkaban
with an Order of Merlin, First Class
in a grave
with a stone
for Potter to deface.

Dumbledore depended on me
though not as much
as I
depended on him.

My human brain was
split
and my human heart was
breaking
as I considered
the right hemisphere of Dumbledore
the left hemisphere of Voldemort
and that somewhere
on the bridge between the two
I stood
electric on both sides.


I Had to Learn by Owl

On a
Wednesday
or at this point
it might have been Thursday
my mother
heard the sound
of a soft, heavy weight
falling
cold
to the wood floor
upstairs.

It was late May
and I was a year
out of Hogwarts
the humid air
weighing
on the fresh grass

a time
of life.

I Apparated out
of Hogsmeade
to Spinner's End
and my mother
too thin
sallow
her cheekbones too prominent
embraced me.

My father's death
would not be the last
I mourned
(and yes I did mourn
because the loss of something
familiar, intrinsic
even if hated
is always something
to mourn)
in the months
to come.

It would
however
be the last one
that I didn't
predict.


Avada Kedavra

"Because one day,"
said Dumbledore,
"you're going to have
to use it."


Decisions and Revisions Which a Minute Will Reverse

In every Death Eater meeting
in our moments of reverence
it is never
really silent.

We may not speak
but there is always
wind
rain
a dog
howling
which makes me bite
my lip.

but tonight

Tonight
there is
the crackle of a
purple fire
and Pettigrew's sobs.

Tonight
there is
a hole
in the place in our circle where
Regulus Black
used to stand.

Tonight
we are told
that the Potter sprog
will die
and I feel
a twinge
of something I refuse
to call
remorse.

Tonight
should be my time
to repay my
debt to James Potter
but
doing so
could cause so many
more deaths
so much chaos
which I believe
Potter knows.

Tonight
he took the steps
to prevent what
is now
the inevitable.

Tonight
I cannot allow myself to feel
guilt
nor regret
which is not as hard
as it sounds
when I am already pinned
in place
by the cover of
my promises.

Tonight
I almost speak
as Lord Voldemort
rises to leave
but it is not my time
or place
to change his place
in time.



Shinedown - Fly from the Inside